If you’re like me and you don’t pay for cable, you can stream the speech here. Keep refreshing this page for updates.

8:50 PM: Pelosi is banging her gavel furiously. The last thing she’s done that too in quite a while, I imagine. Biden’s there too helping to announce members of the escort committee. Hair plugs looking good, Joe.

9:00 PM: Much a’schmooze about nothing. Seriously it’s like an AARP mixer in here.

9:04 PM: The buildup is tense. I’m starting to reconsider my decision to take part in HuffPo’s drinking game.

9:06 PM: MADAM SPEAKAH! Here he comes. Wow. Michelle looks strangely displeased. I’m watching him make his rounds and I can’t help but wonder if they gave Joe Wilson an aisle seat.

9:10 PM: Yes, he’s still making his way to the bloody podium. Sadly, this will probably be the most agreeable part of the night. Bring it on, Barry.

09:11 PM: STOP CLAPPING. Longer than the WWF, this intro is.

09:12 PM: “Fellow Americans” was last on his list of welcomes. Just Sayin’.

09:13 PM: “One year ago I took office among two wars, a crippling economy, etc…so we acted immediately and aggressively.” Yep. It’s just that the wars are still raging, the economy is still on life support, and the worst of the storm has NOT passed.

09:15 PM: Kissinger was the reason you ran for president, not “these struggles.” Stop naming small towns like a freaking Rand McNally intern.

09:17 PM: Overcoming our differences, working together…starting to sound a lot like your campaign speeches, Barack. “Struggling yet encouraged?”

09:18 PM: “I have never been more hopeful for the American future than I am tonight.” Really? The Hopenchange card? Put it back in the deck, Obama. “We all hated the bank bail out?” What do you call the last year? What do you call the auto bailout? What do you call the stimulus? What do you call the swallowing up of every banker and Wall Street shill on the part of your administration?

09:20 PM: Yeah, we rescued the banks. Right. You say you took steps to “create as many jobs as possible.” Yet unemployment is 2 percentage points higher than it was when you took over. Looks like you didn’t create enough. And what happens when your increased unemployment benefits outweigh your projected unemployment figures? Yeah, that’s called deficit.

9:21 PM: You Lie. And you’re not a comedian. And for those “2 million who would be unemployed without you,” there are millions more wondering how they’re going to feed their children. How are those presidential accommodations working out for you? Bush leave you a nice ass-groove in the couch, did he?

9:24 PM: Talk to the single teacher. Talk to the small business owner. Talk to the other people my speechwriters made up.

9:25 PM: Calling for a new jobs bill? It’s just that it seems when you call for jobs, we get less of them. Can you maybe call for a job-cuts bill? Perhaps the law of opposites is on our side.

9:27 PM: “Put Americans to work today building the infrastructure of tomorrow.” Right. Tampa is shaking in their boots. Your problem is that you see creating jobs as an end.

9:29 PM: Get this through your head. The REASON companies ship their jobs overseas is because of HIGH taxes and regulation. So let’s punish them, and maybe they’ll bring their precious jobs home?

9:33 PM: How long should we wait? ‘Til you and Wall Street aren’t in office anymore. China doesn’t have to wait, they own us, in part thanks to you. The establishment has found a winner with you Obama. Keep comparing us to our largest creditor and kid the American people that we can “compete.” You’re a really good fall-guy, you know that?

9:34 PM: Of course you aren’t interested in “punishing banks.” They own you. You want to talk about bank reform? Start with monetary reform. Start with the end of the fractional reserve system. Start with the end of the private central bank. Oh I’m sorry, did your puppet-master read that?

9:36 PM: Did you just endorse nuclear power? Off-shore oil and gas development? Wow. If you hadn’t cried wolf so many times I’d have thought you just might be serious. We’ll see, won’t we? Oh wait, a veiled reference to cap and trade. Meh. Oh god, please don’t start on climate change. I’m only one beer in.

9:39 PM: “If America sits on the sidelines while other nations sign trade deals, we will lose the chance to”…regionalize the planet and destroy sovereignty, yes that’s right. You want to talk about free trade and Colombia? How about getting our military the hell out of their country?

9:41 PM: Dear Obama, a high school Diploma hasn’t guaranteed a good job in a long time. Again, I’m finding it hard to believe all of these wonderful promises. How is everyone falling for this again? This is a bloody campaign speech. I’m hearing verbatim repeats from ‘08.

9:43 PM: You could tell he was waiting on an applause he didn’t get. Oh well, just say “health insurance reform.” That’ll get ‘em.

9:44 PM: “Let’s clear some things up” is the new “Let me be clear.” I’m getting another beer while he repeats his tired ol’ story on health care promises. Bring down the deficit you say? Not if Ellie Light is to be believed. “What’s in it for me?” More taxes, brah.

9:49 PM: Maybe the origin of those columns you see behind Overbiden and the Speakah Herself will clue you in. Tightening belts? Here comes the talk of spending freezes.

9:52 PM: “Spending related to our national security…will not be affected.” You heard it here first. Get ready for another year of endless war. This from the man you voted for to end them. I love that you inflate the budget by trillions and then say you’re going to freeze it. If I run up $40,000 on a company credit card and then tell my boss not to worry because at the moment it’s “frozen,” I’d be out of a job, as should you be.

9:52 PM: “That’s how budgeting works.” CUE LAUGHTER. (Really, they all laughed.) OH! Extend tax cuts for the wealthy! Here comes the class envy. Status quo on Health Care! Here comes the misrepresentation of opposition. You know, Joe Wilson said “you lie,” but Obama’s really better than that. It’s amazing multifaceted deception.

9:55 PM: “Let’s invest in our people without leaving them a mountain of debt.” Are Obama’s speechwriters from fucking Mars?

9:58 PM: RE: Special Interests. You gonna talk about the SCOTUS decision? Honestly, this isn’t the 90’s. Who is sitting at home pumping their first at “my President?”

10:00 PM: Here we go with the promises of online transparency of government. I refer you to this YPAB original.

10:01 PM: “We cant wage a perpetual campaign.” Are. You. F***ing. Serious. “We were sent here to serve our citizens, not our ambitions.” Notice how he left out “Wall Street” and the “Anglo-American Establishment.”

10:05 PM: “Let’s reject the choice between protecting our people and upholding our values.” No, let’s reject the false choice between Republicrats and Demicans. Wow. An announcement of a troop increase actually got an applause. You’re being strung along, people. Strung. Along. “Take the fight to Al Qaeda?” “Fight them over there so we don’t have to fight them over there?” Sound familiar?

10:07 PM: Mark this date down. Our troops will be out of Iraq by the end of August of this year. Barack Obama said it - nay - he promised it, and I want it to be clear when he fails to deliver. He couldn’t get them out in 12 months, and now he’s getting them out in 8. Wonderful. Did he say anything about replacing them with private contractors? Did he say anything about funneling them into Afghanistan to be blown to bits month after month? This worries me. This is an impossibility. Any military strategist will tell you that. They told us that when he promised to get us out in 12 months in 2008 (something I’m sure you’ve realized he has utterly failed to achieve). So what is going to happen between now and then? What does Obama know that we don’t?

10:13 PM: Cue Persiapocalypse language…now…“That’s why we support the woman marching through the streets of Tehran,” yet take a week to softly and underhandedly condemn the murderous actions of the tyrannical government she’s marching against. Come on Barack, I thought you were playing hardball here.

10:14 PM: Repealing Don’t Ask Don’t Tell? You’re going to need it with the wars you’ve got on the table. Or should I say, the wars that the Raytheon, Rand, and Halliburton have got on the table.

10:16 PM: “No wonder there’s so much disappointment.” First sensible thing you’ve said all night. You never suggested that change could be “easy?” You’re right, you didn’t. You’re Madison Ave P.R. agents did.

10:19 PM: I’ve seen Lifetime movies less saccharine than this. That’s the end.

Well folks, that was it. Rather cut and dry, though I’d think to add the word cookie before the word cut. Honestly, I can’t help but remember back when I was but 15 or so years old, watching then-President Bush talk about our unending war against the Taliban and Al Qaeda, and hearing my dad telling me amidst the rhythmic whir of the outdoor ceiling fan blades, “Well son, looks like you’re gonna have your own Vietnam to live through.” That will never leave me as long as I live.

And here we are. Hope and Change past its expiration date. Vietnam Redux still raging and killing our boys. An economy in the toilet with the Federal Reserve’s finger hovering above the flesh lever. And all the while, we’re meant to be strung along by the corporate fall-guy Obama.

I’m not buying it. The state of our union? Finished.

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